I never had a “rainbow baby”, but I have definitely had something else.
When my twins were two years old, I got a positive pregnancy test. It was inconceivable. We had been told that we had significant fertility issues and had used IVF to conceive our twins.
Just as the happy news sunk in, I started to bleed. Things went downhill pretty fast. I was diagnosed with having an ectopic pregnancy. The embryo had implanted in my fallopian tube. My scenario was not a good one and I required emergency surgery. It was a scary event.
For me, the physical pain was worse than the emotional pain. My body was sore and my mind was numb. I kept on imagining how emotionally devastating the experience could have been, if I didn’t have any children back home.
I imagined what the situation would feel like, if it was the first time I had gotten pregnant. The excitement of the new pregnancy and then the scary prognosis. What if it had been an IVF conceived pregnancy? The heartache, defeat, trepidation and loss. It was hard to imagine, and all I could feel was gratitude for what I do have.
I remember lying in the hospital bed, counting my blessings. I tried to understand why this happened to me. Was it so I could more fully understand, what some of the women, I work with, go through? Was it so I could be reminded of how lucky I truly am. I’m still not sure, but I would not change the experience for anything.
And now when a woman speaks of having an ectopic pregnancy, I can “sort of” understand. I can relate a lot more, than if I had never gone through the experience. The fear, the pain, the sadness. It’s not all the same, but yet it is.
“We Don’t See Things As They Are, We See Them As We Are.” Anais Nin
Amira Posner is a Fertility therapist in Toronto, Ontario. She works with individuals and couples who are struggling with infertility. Amira facilitates the Mind-Body Fertility Group at Mt.Sinai Hospital. She is also the mother to three little miracles.
