Coping through Infertility
Trying to get pregnant is supposed to be a wonderful and exciting time, but for those dealing with infertility it is a rollercoaster of emotions filled with uncertainty, grief and many times feelings of loss. Infertility is stressful emotionally and physically exhausting, wearing down both the mind, body and soul. What was once so romantic and exciting quickly turns into a part time job.
I know these feelings because I’ve been there.
Month after month, I experienced the loss of many failed cycles. I added all the months up, roughly eighteen of them. For eighteen months, my life stood still. It felt as if everyone around me was on the same team and I was merely a spectator watching. I felt defective and defeated. I put off doing certain things ‘in case I got pregnant’. My calendar and cycle became the focus of my life and everything revolved around the fertility treatment.
Today, nine years later, I now work with individuals going through infertility. I always knew that if I made it through the journey, I would dedicate my life to help others get through it as well. It’s not easy, but I found the only way out is through perseverance and a plan.
I would like to share some tools that can help to support YOU in getting you through this journey.
Reduce your time on Google and social media
Most individuals struggling with a physical issue have a tendency to Google their symptoms and look for a diagnosis with the hope of understanding what is happening with their bodies. Fair enough. The problem is when it is three hours later and there you are still googling.
This is a maladaptive coping technique that may initially make you feel like you are taking charge of your own fertility, but often a line gets crossed and the “taking charge” turns into a rabbit hole. A dark one. This is the hole that sparks relentless worrying and obsessive thinking.
Social media can also have a negative affect on your well being, making the grass look greener on the other side. It triggers your own grief to see everyone else moving on with their lives, new homes, babies, trips, engagements and good things. It’s important to remember that most people only put positive experiences on social media (the things they want people to see), so it’s really not an accurate depiction of what is happening in their lives. Consider taking a break from social media and taking control of where your attention goes.
Take control of what you can
As out of control as you may feel, there are certain things within your control. How you move your body, which fertility doctor you choose, when to take your medications, what thoughts you choose to focus on are just a few things within your control. These are the things you can hone in on every single day. Realize that the things you can’t control, nobody else can control either, so don’t worry. Part of the infertility experience is a balance between holding on and letting go. Look towards the areas that are in your power to change and let go of the rest.
Breathe
Breathing is a great way to manage anxious thoughts and reversing the stress response. When you feel yourself getting anxious, you can do a breathing technique to calm your mind and body thereby bringing your heart rate back to normal. The breath is the link between the mind and body and can be used as an anchor whenever you need a rest. Our subconscious minds control our breathing. When we attune our conscious mind in sync with the breath, we bring ourselves back to the present. Hello there!
The bigger picture
Although it may feel like infertility has taken over your life, it doesn’t need to define you. I mean, you are you, not your infertility. The journey evokes a strong negativity bias that protects our egos and slowly steals away hope. We must try extra hard to see the silver lining and bigger picture. This isn’t always easy, but remember you are not alone. 1 in 6 couples in Canada are struggling with infertility. The bigger picture is considering the idea of impermanence and the fact that this experience won’t last forever. We change as we move through the journey and it’s hard to tell who we will be at the end of all of it.
My personal experience in dealing with infertility together with my eight years of helping others facing infertility have convinced me that there are ways to cope and get through this. Many women have tried and succeeded in meeting their infertility challenges head on and you can too. In fact, you are already doing it!
Amira is a Social Worker in Toronto, Ontario. She works with individuals and couples who are struggling with infertility. Amira facilitates the Mind-Body Fertility Group, and Mindfulness Fertility Series. She is also a mother of three miracles.
